So, you want some funny answering machine messages..
If they're THAT funny why not put one of them in your phone ..=)

1) Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
 sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
 you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
 money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
 female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

 
 2) Hi... Now you say something.

 
 3) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so
 you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

 
 4) Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

 
 5) Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
 refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
 message to myself with one of these magnets.

 
 6) Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
 eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
 Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
 just hold it up to the phone.

 
 7) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
 receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a
 hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
 through their office and do not need their picture taken. If
 you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will
 get back to you.

 
 8) This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
 thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
 name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach
 you, and I'll think about returning your call.

 
 9) Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't
 like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

 
 10) Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
 right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I
 call you back.

 
 11) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
 our
 weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
 probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

 
 12) You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
 feel very
 sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your
 ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will
 feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
 message.

 
 13) Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
 remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be
 used by us.