HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO . . .
(Golden Retriever) The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
(Border Collie) Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
(Dachshund) I can't reach the stupid lamp.
(Toy Poodle) I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
(Rottweiler) Go Ahead! Make Me!
(Shih tzu) Puh-leeze, dahling. Let the servants ...
(Lab) Oh! Me, Me !!! Pleeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
(Malamute) Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
(Cocker Spaniel) Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
(Doberman Pinscher) While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
(Mastiff) Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
(Hound Dog) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(Chihuahua) Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
(Irish Wolfhound) Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
(Pointer) I see it! There it is! Right there!
(Greyhound) It isn't moving. Who cares?
(Australian Shepherd) Put all the bulbs in a little circle ...
(Old English Sheep Dog) Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Arf!
DOG PEOPLE
...are a special breed not usually recognized by the AKC
...think everyone has dog crates in their living room.
...have messy houses yet their kennels are spotless.
...can always find a show catalogue from somewhere within arm's reach.
...have kids who know more about the "birds and the bees" when they're five, than most people know when they are 40.
...drive trucks, vans, and station wagons especially equipped to haul dog crates.
...can never be reached on a weekend, they're usually at a dog show.
...will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel and $150 for meals to bring home a 35 cent ribbon.
...have kids who regard "bitch" as just another household word.
...have lush, green, beautiful back yards and they've never bought a bag of fertilizer.
...get up at 6 AM to walk the dogs, can be at ringside dressed to kill at 8 AM, but have trouble getting to work on time.
...will usually give up the $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 kennel where neighbors are not a problem.
...never miss a closing date for entry fees, but pay the mortgage 10 days late.
...had rather be audited by the IRS than investigated by the AKC.
...use dog food bags for trash cans and 30 gal trash cans for dog food.
...talk for hours on the phone to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.
...have parents who think they've lost their minds.
...have dog friends who think they are terrific.
...are crazy
SURE FIRE FITNESS PROGRAM …
You have seen the ads on TV that promise amazing results from all sorts of contraptions - the thigh master, the hip master, the belly buster.
Well dog lovers take heart! There is no need to invest in fancy equipment. With this sure fire fitness program, a dog is all you need! The following exercises can (and will) be done anytime, anywhere.
INNER THIGHS: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull.
WARNING: Do not attempt this exercise barelegged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will dig. Ouch, ouch, baaaad dog!
UPPER BODY: Lift dog off the couch, off favorite chair, off the bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this process is reversed - lift dog onto couch, onto the bed and so on.
TONING: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they are too small for him, they are certainly too small for you. Do it anyway. Repeat, repeat, repeat.BALANCE AND COORDINATION:
Exercise 1: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air and slams both paws into the back of your knees.
Exercise 2: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap, hurdle the ones between your feet and answer the phone before it stops ringing.
Exercise 3: (for those with older dogs) Attempt to cross any room without tripping over the dog. Get off couch without crushing any part of a sleeping older dog.
UPPER ARMS: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
(Alternate): Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up - we all know which comes first.
HAND COORDINATION AND SPEED: Remove foreign object from locked jaw before dog swallows. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.
CALVES: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body. Hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.
WARNING: this is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
(Alternate): Run after dog - pick any reason. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds are inadvisable.
REFLEXES: When entering house from shopping trip empty arms of packages and attempt to catch dog as he hurls himself into your waiting arms.
(Alternate - especially for sporting dog or Lakeland owners) After the dog has gone for a nice swim in some odd looking body of water, dodge the green spray as he violently shakes the slime out of his coat.
NECK MUSCLES: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is never too old or feeble to 'French kiss' when you least expect it.
BONUS OFFER - for owners of multiple dogs: Do NOT invest in that new mattress to help you stop tossing and turning. Throw away those special pillows that guarantee an undisturbed night of sleep. Share your bed with Fluffy and friends. With one stretched out on either side of you and another sleeping peacefully between your ankles, you are guaranteed not to move a muscle all night!
